Tuesday July 24th, 2012
- I initiated my raw cleanse and juicing fast.
- I received a Facebook message urging me to call Maternidad la Luz due to possible closing down of school.
- I headed over to The Community Birth Center to hear Kathryn Hall- Trujillo from Birthing Project USA.
On this day I felt an earthquake shake my reality, and force me to be present with the energy waves that Mama Earth has been sending me. This day represents an initiation that led me to purging out physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional toxins. Thus, helping me to create space for new beginnings, abundance, self-love, and freedom. I was determined to cleanse for as long as I needed to in order to further my healing process. Days went on, some were good, some weren't, and sometimes I felt a little crazy. In one week I had the opportunity to meet with 3 wise womyn healers, who all told me to " follow your heart," and, " if you don't follow your heart you are going to get sick," and just let go," and " you can do it."
So this is exactly what it did, I followed my heart! In less than a week, I called the school, messaged my friend, bought my bus ticket, spoke my truth, listened to my sisters, and headed to El Paso Texas to visit Maternidad La Luz. This is how I celebrated the Full Moon in August.
In my heart I felt that by freeing myself, letting go, and surrendering to this process, I was able to make a decision that will forever change my world. For a long time I had contemplated the idea of becoming a midwife, but felt comfortable with doula-ing, providing womb wellness support, and sharing sacred space with sisters. My heart, my dreams, my visions, my ancestors, my community, all kept reminding me of my need to be a midwife.
So, on the greyhound I sat with grandma Moon, and I confronted my ego, fears, and any negative emotions that kept me walking around the idea of actually pursuing midwifery. It's almost silly to say this, but I have actually been afraid of the very same power that I carry, my birth right, and my calling as a healer. I had to let it go, and this is how this trip became possible. Looking out at the window and seeing grandma Moon by my side, providing illumination was comforting. That night I swear I saw two Moon's right next to each other.
After a 15 hour bus ride on the greyhound (on a budget), I arrived to El Paso. My friend, indigenous midwife, mother, and healer Sandra Iturbe came to pick me up with her warm and loving yolotzin. We spent the day relaxing sharing our journeys as indigenous womyn of color( WOC) pursing midwifery, El Paso, Ticicalli, community organizing, and ceremony. We shared about the cultural and racial disparities in birth working community (and in the world) the isolation, the lack of opportunities for people in our community, and for ourselves, and the luxury that now it takes to practice the ways of our ancestors.I was blessed to get the 411 on Maternidad la Luz, and was excited to begin my 24 hour shift the next day.
Thursday morning I arrived to Maternidad la Luz, at 7:30 am. What I felt was surreal! My visualizations that I had about walking into the birth center where coming true, and I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. When I first came in I saw a mother and her daughter waiting patiently for the clinic to open. It triggered a feeling of gratitude that I have for the courage it took for my mother to birth me. I was so happy that I sent a text message to community in L.A. letting them know of my sudden arrival.
My shift started with coming together in a circle with the students, the midwives, and staff. I was honored to introduce myself and represent Ticicalli, my community in L.A., and my ancestors. Everyone had such loving and welcoming energy. Within 30 minutes of my shift starting, a laboring mama rushed into the birth center as her journey was transitioning into birthing her baby. She had intended to have a water birth, but didn't make it on time to get to the birth tub. In just 10 minutes upon her arrival, she birthed her baby boy, and I got to witness light coming into this world. I was filled with joy, and could not help to tear up, birth always makes me feel emotional. As soon as we left the room, the birth team dispersed and went about their day. Before I even finished processing, I found myself shadowing a student midwife in post-partum appointments, pre-natal appointments, helping to translate (spanish is a plus), and getting to know the culture at Maternidad La Luz.
My mind played tricks on me as I kept thinking about my shift being 24 hours, and how this is what I would be getting myself into if I come to this school. I kept thinking about whether or not I was going to have enough food, and if I would get cranky at some point because of lack of sleep. Soon the clinic closed, and we continued to work by cleaning, filing, and finishing up any last minute work. Everyone was thrilled because it was a slow day, and prayed that they for once would get sleep. Maternidad La Luz is usually a fast paced birth center. Sometimes several women go into labor
at once,and fill up the small house like birth center.
The night went on and I had a hard time sleeping. All the spaces upstairs where taken, and I ended up staying in the purple room. Throughout the night 2 laboring womyn came into the birth center. One in active labor, had to transfer to the hospital because the baby was premature, and the other mama was only 2cm. In the purple room I was able to get rest, while I enjoyed my last hours at Maternidad La luz.
The Sun guided a new day, a new beginning, centered, I felt blessed in receiving clarity about my path as a midwife. How much more did I need? Well being here at Maternidad La Luz made it real to me that this is the place that I need to be. It also was a reality check that my socio-economic status is a major factor as to why I haven't enrolled into a midwifery program sooner. I left the school filled with tears, was full of anger, and sadness as I was reminded of my history.
On my way back home, sitting with the moon, I cried thinking about how in the world will I come up with $13,500. Money that I need to cover the costs of tuition, living expenses, books, and food. You see Maternidad la Luz is a private school that doesn't offer any kind of financial aid, or loan program. Most midwifery programs don't provide any financial aid making it almost impossible for woc to pursue this "profession."However they do provide a WOC scholarship once a year.$13,500 is of course is what I'll need if I get the WOC scholarship which covers most of the tuition. A much larger number if I don't, but not including in this post. My sister and member of Ticicalli Yahualli Panquetzani called me, and was able to calm me down. I listened to her words, as she said " everything will fall into place," and " money will come around." We then started to strategize and was filled with hope. Achieving the impossible can be somewhat discouraging, a challenge that I am willing to take on.
I sit here and begin the application process to enter in the Spring quarter of March 2013. Money should never be a reason to make anyone cry, or discourage anyone from taking action. Although it's been my community's reality for many generations, I choose to transmute this energy and do whatever it takes to earn this money ( in a moral way). I will save money, take extra jobs, fund-raise, and most importantly pray that abundance comes my way, and in the lives of my community. This work is dedicated to my unborn children, seven generations backward, and seven generations forward.
I now birth myself as a community midwife.